Why?
Over my career as a counselor, I have helped thousands of folks become very efficient at communicating with others; but more importantly, with themselves. Communication is one of the foundations of The Virtual Counseling Center’s (VCC) approach to counseling. It enables effective therapy, requiring fewer sessions. The following is a very short synopsis of what I believe is the core of any therapeutic change. If you want to learn more or would like to be part of the VCC program, go to www.TheVirtualCounselingCenter.com and sign up for a consultation or a counseling session.
In the February Blog, I mentioned one way to start the day is to practice self-love. This also means that there is a need to learn how to talk to yourself. One of the aspects of enhancing communication is simple. It is learning to eliminate the word “why” from questions and/or statements. Replace “Why” with “What” or “How” every time “Why” is needed…but do it with sincerity. Why? 😊
The word “Why” automatically triggers defensiveness. Typically, individuals are raised to react to “Why” protectively from a very early age. Before the age of four or five, the word may not be understood but the emotion attached to the word is understood and the sensitive reaction becomes automatic. Due to the defensive emotional attachment to the word, “why” becomes a word with a negative connotation, which is reinforced for the remainder of life. Give some thought to the number of times parents, teachers, coaches, friends – even enemies used “Why” and how it was used. More than likely a flinch or another form of reaction will arise to the simple comment. Most of the time the reaction is not even noticed due to the habitual trigger. For example, parents typically say, “Why can’t you keep your room clean?” Or teachers may say, “Why can’t you turn your homework in on time?” Or a boss may say, “Why can’t you get to work on time?” These valid and simplistic remarks reinforce the negative attachment to “Why” and provide enough negativism to create self-talk that is belittling – typically in the form of: “Why aren’t I good enough?” or “Why can’t I be better?” or “Why can’t I …?” Fill in the space and the negative attachment to the word is being damagingly reinforced. It is the beginning of the growth of symptoms associated with anxiety, stress, duress, and even depression. The mind is not meant to be negative, but it is fragile, and it does not take considerable reinforcing to make it produce undesirable thoughts. Ever ponder the reason for a negative comment from a friend or stranger that is typically considered over your own personal thought or belief? There _ is _ a _ reason.
Do you use the word “Why” with your kids, spouse, friends…self?
Because of the negativity attached to the word, I encourage clients to eliminate the “Why” from their vocabulary and focus on using “How” or “What” instead. If you are a parent, think of how you responded to “Why” when you were a kid. Think of how you respond to it now. It is probably the same. Instead of using “Why” with your child, consider using “How” or “What” - minus the frustration in your voice. Let’s take math grades as an example. Instead of, “Why can’t you make better grades in math?” Consider, “What is keeping you from making better grades in math?” or “How can I help you make better grades in math?” Using “what” and “how” conveys a concern for the lack of success; yet alleviates the defensive reaction that is activated with “Why.” This method of communicating can help children grow up without the negative connotations and defensiveness of the word “Why.” And society loves to use the word quite readily. Ever wonder … why?
Now, let’s get back to self-communication. It is important to note that our “Why” statements to ourselves can become negative and harmful. The mind is always listening and storing information that it is receiving and thinking. The conscious mind can only store a small amount of information at a time, maybe the size of a thimble. The subconscious has storage the size of the Atlantic Ocean…and it keeps the information. So, when “Why” is used with a negative link, the mind responds accordingly. For what reason? Because you were taught to respond in that manner. And it is more than likely still being used the same way.
Maybe it is time to change since “What” may be the start of “How” you can become more positive for favorable growth. Contact VCC to learn how.
